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Where Did The Lines Go!

beyonce-in-bikiniNo man, I had to wonder, “Where did all the lines go”? Hmm, is it that only the poorer people have stretch marks or what is it that allows celebrities to have that fab waistline, “glowy” breasts, beautiful legs and…you know…everything just as smooth and youthful as ever? I recently saw a picture of Beyonce posing on glamsensedivas.com and trust mi, mi just grudge har enuh. Stretch marks seem like some terrible monster walking around, seeking poor people’s skin to lay on. Mi seh some of dem bad so till it look like a bundle of “whiss” on your skin.

Hahaha no, believe me, I tried every remedy I could to rid me of stretch marks while I was pregnant with my son. And really and truly, every person seem to have a cure, a prevention strategy. Granny seh, “use aloes” (old people seem to use aloes to cure every illness) – “Yuh sick? Use aloes”. The sister seh “nooo man, use olive oil” and yuh rub morning, noon and night, in the end the stretch marks get longer after the birth of the child. Then you have the Coco Butter Cream specialists “yes man, coco butter haffi prevent it, just start use it early” dwl, you know the outcome, cause some of you tried it. Then last but not the least, the treatment blenders “aloes alone won’t work, use aloes, egg and coco butter afterwards” or “You have to pour half bottle of olive oil in half bottle coco butter”…huh? But there is one significantly beautiful thing about Jamaicans…dem love mix up and blend.

I don’t see Yendi Phillips with any stretch marks, Beyonce was pregnant too, I don’t see none. Oh let’s look at the ones who delivered more than one babies in their lifetime like Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Garner. Lord deliver us from stretchmarks!   Is it a genetic thing? If it is, you may be asking why me?  Should I have done more? If it is, then what? Look at those skins we see on TV, where did the lines go? So now I have to consult Mr. Ewan Walker, celebrity makeup artist, cause I want to know what he does to make the lines go away or for a permanent fix, any of you know a Dermatologist contact number mek mi takkle dem fi give poor people the right remedy fi solve the problem? Some saying lazer surgery, but aren’t there any heath effects? Or better yet, let’s all go on fasting and prayer fi get a natural fix for these monstrous lines that affect our beauty…I’m just saying.

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Face Painting or Face Powdering

Face Painting or Face Powdering

Since this is one of my pet peeves, I decided to write about it so some women can take a grip on themselves. I am sure that not one, but many of you have spent hours trying to separate the assortment of colours on the faces of some of these women today…Mercy Lord!

God promised to put the sign of the rainbow in the sky, not on faces. Seriously ladies, tell me, what are some of you trying to achieve hmm? What, it shouldn’t be none of my beezwax? Come on, you give people a hard time going about their business…In short…”unuh hard fi look pon!” Now it intensifies when you have to see it in places where you go to do business. It’s like, “Good morning” but the other words can’t utter because at this point you are now looking into a maze which causes your eyeballs to roll or makes you twitch trying to look up.

Other things that makes me wonder are:

1. Why shave all the eyelash off then draw a whole semicircle over the eye with a pencil?

2. Why add all the colours on your clothes to your face?

3. Why use a pencil to put an overly-sized mold on the face when you weren’t even born with one?

4. Why bathe your cheeks with red blush when you have a very dark complexion?

5. When doing your makeup, are you always thinking of the rainbow?

6. Why do you draw a line around your lips with the jet black pencil, are you trying to separate two continents? I’m just saying!

Ladies, I understand that freedom of choice is given to everyone. But in the interest of our eyes and if you have an ounce of care for anyone else but yourselves, yuh can choose fi powder and not paint your faces?

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Laced Wigs

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Laced Wigs

Even though I don’t wear laced wigs and don’t know much about it, I surely know it is not worn the way many women do. I think the reason the wig is called “laced” is because of its ability to sit on the head without revealing hairline and should be able to produce a long professionally looking hairdo. Many women who wear laced wigs truly need a hairstylist detective.

No one would be able to detect that many of these celebrity women have laced wigs in their hair and we try all sorts of things in order to make the “stubban” hair grow. We soak with aloe vera, we use eggs, we leave the extension in for days, we cut, we treat and in the end we blame our mothers for choosing a “tuff” head man for our fathers. But the reality is that many of them do not have long hair…the trick…laced wigs. So its seems like the equation is as follows: Bad hair + glue + laced wigs = fabulous!

However, I know many manufacturers of laced wigs have shed some tears to see their products on the heads of many women today. Please ladies, if you plan to do it, at least make it look real. Save our eyesights from the pimento seed thing going on at your hairlines…if not…I don’t see a problem in you having it kinky and natural.
Hairstylists, this is a 911 dial…come rescue some fainting, struggling laced wig hairstyles in our society…Ah beg o. And ladies, if you have a problem with putting a wig on it…just leave it kinky…I did!

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Make-Up!

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Make-Up!

Well maybe I am as dumb as a doorbell but it never occurred to me that celebrities could look anything other than picture perfect. Okay so I understand the mascara, false lashes and the lip colour but I cannot get the part where makeup artists give these people good rosy cheeks and flawless skin.
My God! The revelation was totally hard for me to swallow. I can’t believe that Kim Kardashian, Nikki Minaj, Halle Berry don’t actually look like what they look like on pictures and on screen…I’m so disappointed. But still enuh, only in Disney cartoons we find people who actually look that picture perfect all the time.
I think makeup artists are very talented though. I mean, even if your ugliness knows no bounds, they know how to make you look good. Your face could be as challenging as ever, your skin could have blemishes beyond measure, you could have pimples enough for your entire family, don’t worry, they know the trick.
If you think I am lying just check Julia Roberts before the makeup, no check Goldie Hawn or better yet, take a good look at Tori Spelling…Mi done talk!
So big up to di makeup artists across the world, you make people look fabulous. And from henceforth your new names are TRANSFORMERS…haha But Muss!